Part 2 and Revelations

To continue on with things that have happened over the last couple of weeks...

In my Bodywork classes, we did a lot of exercises with blindfolds. "What the heck would you use blondfolds for at massage school" you ask? To build trust and understanding of course! The first thing we did, was we paired off and did a blindfolded Trust Walk. We had to get our blindfolded parter to the beach, switch places, and then come back to campus. So Steve blindfolded me and took me to the beach. It was really scary for the first few minutes because of course you have no idea what's in front of you, but you also don't know where the final destination is (other than "the beach") and you don't know how you're getting there. And then of course you have to walk past cars and construction and dogs and whatnot, and you can't see the puddles you're stepping in or the rocks you're tripping on... all in all though, it was a really cool experience. Once I allowed myself to completely trust in Steve and his guidance, I was able to realize things that I didn't know before. For example, I became hypersensitive to shadows, sounds, and the texture of the ground under my feet. Even though my eyes were closed and I was blindfolded, I could sense even the slightest differentiation in the quality of light. I could hear everything around me - the people, the trees, doors opening...at one point, I knew I was by a pole or trunk of some kind, and I just stuck my hand out and touched it - sounds anti-climactic, but it was so cool to really KNOW where the pole was before I touched it. The texture of the ground was probably the coolest thing though. Even through my shoes, I could feel what kind of ground I was walking on - pavement, tile, beach, gravel...it seems simple writing it all out, but it was so incredible to actually experience it!
 We also used the blindfolds during bodywork classes, which was a trip all in itself. The first thing we did was 6 of us got on the table and blindfolded ourselves, and then there were 5 people acting as therapists who could see. No talking was allowed, and they had 3 minutes to complete a massage on a designated part of the body (example, 3 minutes for a leg). After the 3 minutes, the therapists went to the front of the room and the people on the table had to write down who they thought had just touched them. This exercise was mainly used to help us as therapists - if we can't portray who we are through our touch, then we have work to do. And if a bunch of people think that Christina massaged them when it was actually me, then I need to get a session from her ASAP, because that's the closest I'll ever get to feeling what my touch feels like. Does any of that make sense?
 The second thing we did with the blindfolds in Bodywork was the most amazing thing I've experienced here at CRSMT. We've gone through weeks of feeling what's going on in the body and we've been steadily building up what we can feel with our fingers and elbows, but you never realize how much you know or don't know until one of your senses is removed. For this exercise, we had our clients lying facedown, and we (the therapists) were blindfolded and had to give a full back-of-the-body massage complete with advanced techniques and draping. It was so scary to not be able to see how our client was reacting to our touch, or to not know quite where the drape was falling, or to not be able to find our jar of cream! But again, after you let the fear go, amazing things start to happen. Suddenly I was massaging and I could feel Larissa's individual muscle fibers. I could feel the muscles in her legs squeezing the blood back up to her heart. I could feel the perfect outline of her ribs under all the layers of muscle on her back. I learned more about the body in 30 minutes than I have in 2 months of study, and it was incredible. And because I couldn't use my sight, I had to be completely in tune with her body to pick up any responses that she would give me. God it was amazing. And afterward, she said that she'd really enjoyed the session and had felt really connected with me - so that's really cool too. When I was on the table and she was blindfolded, I could feel her exploring my muscles and it was just really really cool. Awesome experience.
 Another cool thing that happened recently is that a bunch of us girls decided that it would be fun to go on a 5 hour horseback riding tour into the mountains. It was $70, which is a little steep, but we needed a break and we love horses, so what the heck. So the 6 of us got to the meeting place, mounted our horses, and meandered down the beach and up a mountain. We had 1 guide who rode last the whole time, and her horse had a new foal that followed the entire way. It was cute, but seemed a little inhumane. Anyway, so we rode up and down and up and down hills and the horses weren't exactlly comfortable to ride, so by about an hour in to the trip, we were cursing this decision. We rode for about 2 hours, and then the guide came up front and started plowing off the road through the 6foot tall grasses into the woods. Of course we followed, and when the group came to a small stream, she made everyone dismount. We were all completely confused by what was going on, and then all of a sudden the guide motioned for us to follow her and she starts walking a barely discernable trail straight down the side of the mountain. Straight. Down. And the trail was muddy. So after numerous falls and bruises and bad words, we found ourselves at a river. We walked upriver a little ways and came around a bend and were met by the most beautiful waterfall I've ever seen (check out the Facebook pictures). It was a huge waterfall that cascaded out of the trees over rocks and everything was green and gorgeous... so of course we stripped down to our skivvies and went swimming! It was wonderful. And it made the whole hellish trip up there totally worth it. We would have stayed all afternoon if blood hadn't been drawn numerous times. Shaylee slipped on some rocks and slid about 8 feet down the waterfall and ran into a boulder that was really sharp and she cut her foot open really badly. Erica and I also both gashed our hands pretty good. Luckily, there were 3 people (Erica, Rachel, and myself) who were able to bandage things up. Mine and Erica's hand injuries were solved with bandaids, but Shaylee's foot had a really deep cut that needed more attention than we could give it. If we had had Superglue with us, it wouldn't have been a problem, but we didn't. We ended up putting bandaids on her foot, wrapping it with Rachel's belt to try and keep compression on to stop the bleeding, then we put 2 socks on it to hold everything in place. Of course she still had to climb up the mountain back to the horses, but it was done without incident. She did have to get 4 stitches when we got back, but she's fine, so don't worry. And she has a great story to tell.
 So the waterfall was AWESOME, and then on the way back down, we were trying to go faster so we could get Shaylee to the doctor, so naturally we galloped most of the way. Swimming in the msot beautiful waterfall ever and then galloping down the mountainside and across the beach makes for a pretty damn good day. Even though we were sore beyond belief for the next 3 days... totally worth it.
 
 Alright, so in my last post, I told you guys that I'd made some personal discoveries, so here they are.
About a week and a half ago I was walking down the beach and i suddenly realized that I cannot follow the path I thought I was destined for. When I originally decided to attend Massage school, I was determined to learn how to help people so that I could pass on that knowledge. I wanted to help victims of domestic abuse learn how to trust in 'good touch' again. I was going to help Katie open a clinic and I was going to teach victims that touch didn't have to be painful and that it could heal. That was my plan. So while walking on the beach, it was a huge shock to realize that I was unable to follow that path. I don't necessarily mean that I will never work with victims of domestic abuse, but right now - where I'm at in my life at this present moment - I cannot do that work. There are a couple of different reasons for this. Firstly, I'm still healing from my personal experiences with domestic abuse, and don't feel that I'm ready to deal with the emotions of other victims on a daily basis. Secondly, I am afraid of being drawn into their low energy vibrations and experiencing flashbacks or emotions that would unground me or even hurt me. But thirdly and most importantly, I have not healed myself enough to be able to heal other people in that aspect. I have not found enough compassion and forgiveness in my heart for Blake and for Jahongir and until I find that compassion and until I am able to truly forgive them, I will never be able to completely heal myself. If I tried to go into that path of healing the hurts of other abused women, I wouldn't be in it to heal them - the truth of the matter is that I would be attempting to heal myself through them, and that's not fair to anybody. So until I can really and truly heal myself, I will be unable to follow that path that I had been so readily set upon. Perhaps in a few years I can re-evaluate where I am on my journey, but right now, I'm just not there yet.
 So I don't know what I'm going to be headed into (other than Massage Therapy), but I know that I'll be doing good and that I'll be helping people - just not necessarily the people I'd originally thought I would be helping. Yeah.

Oh and for anyone who hasn't heard yet, I was officially offered a job at Carnahan Chiropractic in Pullman, WA! So after school here and after the holiday season I'll be headed back to Washington to build my business and my clientel and learn what massage in the real world is all about! It's official! Yay!

That's all for now - part 2 and personal revleations. A lot to think about, but all for the better.